Atlanta Singles Celebrate! the Holidays

Being single around Atlanta during Christmastime is THE PITS. I don’t know this from personal experience, but I just scanned through the holiday issue of Atlanta Singles Celebrate! (from 1989) and now I know that being alone in the month of December is the most degrading, lonely time of self-doubt and miserable gifts with hidden meaning.

There’s a column called “Singles Speak Out” that looks like it was ripped from Thomas Wheatley’s diary. This month’s column is titled “A Single Christmas” and is penned by Eddie Reece:

‘Confirmed Bachelor’ is what a guy like me used to be called. ‘Single’ is the modern word. Having to much fun is what I call it.

Being a single guy is everything it’s cracked up to be. Always some exciting places to go with someone exciting. I’m constantly discovering bold new adventures and TV dinners (as well as bold new occasions for Maalox Moments.)

Yes, those two paragraphs occurred right next to each other. There were more nuggets of single man humor, but I will excerpt anything that uses the term “confirmed bachelor.”

So, to give you an idea of the kind of anxiety Atlanta Singles Celebrate! wants to trigger, here are some titles of the articles in their holiday issue:

The only real-life photo in Atlanta Singles Celebrate! of a real-life couple enjoying themselves on a data in Atlanta appears to be of two smug marrieds, “the Meyers”! The nerve!

So, now that you are completely terrified about finally getting out there, jumping into the meat market, meeting some other singles ready to mingle, Atlanta Singles Celebrate! and their exclusive advertising partners are ready to hook you up:

Also, there are several of these super creepy ads meant to totally undermine women’s confidence in ever meeting a decent guy. A P.O. Box in the ‘burbs will introduce decent, upstanding, yet lonely gentlemen with educated, Christian, English-speaking young Asian ladies…or Filipina ladies…or Latin American ladies. As seen on Channel 2 and/or two of Lewis Grizzard’s columns.

But what do the single ladeeeeeeez like? FIREFIGHTERS! With mustaches! By the pool!

Merry Christmas y’all!