State budget cut threats have gone too far

I hope you all take the time to read this hilarious story about state Rep. Calvin Hill’s outrage over Georgia State University employing oral sex, male prostitution, and queer theory experts and academics as part of its faculty, who are paid by state taxes. I don’t understand what Rep. Hill is so upset about, and why he would try to deplete the commendable vault of scholars that Georgia State is trying to accumulate.

Georgia State has lagged behind other colleges in the state for decades in terms of student life due to its designation as a commuter school. The most flourishing and attractive part of any higher education institution’s campus life is, of course, its orgies. GSU has spent the last ten years playing an expensive catch-up in order to also be labeled an orgy-friendly research institution.

First, some history. Georgia State started as the night business school of Georgia Tech (in the 1940s, primarily serving recipients of the G.I. Bill). That screams wholesome times a million! Therefore, GSU wasn’t able to build up a reputation as a school full of redneck hippie deadbeats like the University of Georgia enjoyed. Try recovering from that! And only recently has GSU really started providing on-campus living arrangements. Their first move was taking over the Olympic Village, where hundreds and hundreds of the world’s top athletes engaged in victorious orgies in 1996. However, this University Village complex proved to be too cumbersome and impersonal for the 2,000 students who lived there. On top of that, the Library North renovation left students with even fewer dark, dusty corners on campus in which to make out. (See photo at left of well-lit “group study room” with see-through door.)

The next maneuver on the part of the university was, naturally, to build a series of smaller dorm buildings where undergraduate (specifically freshmen) residents could enjoy more intimacy and a tighter-knit living community that would be more conducive to group sex.

However, despite the active fine arts department, a popular student-run radio station pumping sexy indie tunes all day and night, compact and friendly living conditions, and nothing else to do for fun downtown, GSU students weren’t engaging in “real college life” like those at, say, Oglethorpe University, which is nationally reknowned for its orgies. The only thing left for the university to do was to institutionalize orgies by hiring these experts in the sex field to guide and loosen up the students. And now Rep. Hill is trying to take that away through state budget cuts before GSU has even had a chance to finish construction on Greek Row!

Tags: georgia state university, orgies