[Insert bastardization of "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" catchphrase here.]
Guess what? There’s a water shortage in Georgia! If it doesn’t rain, in less than three months Lake Lanier could be almost completely dried up. I know, you’re like, “What do I care? It’ll be too cold by then to ride a Sea-Doo.” Well, we’ll be practically out of drinking water too, dummy, except for the Latter-Day Saints community in Atlanta with like 7000 gallons bottled in their basements. They’ll be laughing at the rest of us non-Mormons as they have fun watergun fights in their backyards between jumps on their giant trampolines.
Things are so bad that soon chaos will rule the streets, mostly because people will be drinking gin to hydrate themselves instead of water when the taps dry up. Then they will be drunk enough to think it’s a good idea to shoot up as many pygmy spotted owls as possible. “That’s super illegal!” you cry. Not so! The Endangered Species Act might even be suspended, our favorite Loafer Thomas Wheatley reports, so human interests can come before beluga whales’ in such an emergency.
ANYWAY, Pecanne Log has come up with a great list of ways you can conserve this valuable resource as the drought crescendos to apocalyptic proportions, along with handy reminders of how much water you are saving with these simple actions:
- Wash your motorcycle just three times a week instead of every day. You can save up to 300 gallons a week cutting your bike bathing in half. Even better, try cleaning your Hog with antibacterial gel instead of water.
- Trim your hour-long Saturday afternoon hot shower down to 50 minutes. You can save as many as 70 gallons per shower if you can be more efficient.
- Instead of allowing fresh water to constantly flow through your vaguely homoerotic Greek fountain in your front yard (although you insist everyone call it a “courtyard”), rig it up so that the fountain recycles the same water. This is better for your eighteen brown discus as well, who can feed on the algae that builds up. You might also save around 200 gallons of water per hour.
- Don’t sit passively by while the autistic kid who lives next door stands on the deck running the hose for hours at a time. Call his parents so they can come outside and find something else for him to do. You might save them about 3000 gallons a day.
- Instead of ice sculpture classes, try carving wood. The tools are equally dangerous so you are no more likely to lose a finger by switching to wood, and one block of unsculpted can require up to 1000 gallons of frozen water.
- As an alternative to throwing water balloons at people on the sidewalk from your 31-story highrise, drop aging food items from your fridge. Compost piles are good for the environment, and you can save about 6 gallons a day.
- Cut down on pressure washing all the marble surfaces in your pet mausoleum to twice a month instead of every weekend, or just pressure wash one quarter of the marble each weekend. You might save around 300 gallons monthly. (Not that anything would be wasted while preserving Aladdin’s memory, but she would want you to be a wise steward of Georgia’s dwindling natural resources.) (Yes, Aladdin was a girl dog, because some kids don’t understand that not all dogs are boys and not all cats are girls.)
If you are a more advanced conservationist and have already accomplished these feats of sacrifice, then try to follow the old adage, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” Unless you are in Deerhunter. Then if it’s brown you should take a photo of it, blog about it, then flush it down, then let Pitchfork interview you about it.
Tags: conservation, deerhunter, drought, endangered species, mormons, thomas wheatley, water
You can’t tell me that beluga whales are more important than the shiny floors of my pet mausoleum. I’m just not buying it.
This problem is just not limited to Georgia and I am thankful you took the time to write this post and draw attention to the issue. Many states are experiencing drought conditions and even though we’ve seen some relief recently, the problem of supply and demand is still with us.
To add to your list of helpful things try switching out all of you light bulbs to CFLs and switching to conservation friendly showerheads. We save hundreds annually with easy! We also encouraged our schools in our district to hold conservation fundraiser instead of the traditional cookie, chocolate, or wrapping paper ones. The kids learn about conservation, the families reduce their monthly expenses and the school earn dollars for valuable programs.
Conservation is easy, you just have to make the step.